Best Programming Jokes

Kausar    Computers     10 computer jokes, computer programming, humor

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

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Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardare problem

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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

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There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.

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A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.

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“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

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Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

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A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

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There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

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A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

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All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.

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Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

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The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

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“I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag…”

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The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

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Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.

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Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

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From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook

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One hundred little bugs in the code
One hundred little bugs.
Fix a bug, link the fix in,
One hundred little bugs in the code.

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Recycle Your Old Computers and Printers at Best Buy

Kausar    Computers     Computers, recycle computers

Here is one more reason that Best Buy® is a geek’s favorite store: Best Buy will recycle your old computer and electronics gear, mostly for free.

Best Buy will recycle “just about anything electronic, including TVs, DVD players, computer monitors, cell phones and more.”

You can bring in up to two items per household per day, but I arrived on a quiet morning with two old PCs and two old printers, and Best Buy cheerfully took them all.

Best Buy will recycle many electronic items for free. However, there is a $10 charge for items with a screen, including CRTs, monitors, laptops and TVs 32″ and smaller. Fortunately, Best Buy gives you a $10 gift card to offset the cost.

Use the Best Buy haul-away or pickup programs for Console TVs, monitors and TVs larger than 32″, and appliances such as refrigerators, freezers, dishwashers, washers, dryers, ranges and microwaves.

One important point: desktop or laptop computers must have the hard drive removed. Watch this Geek Squad video on how to safely remove your hard drive, or Best Buy will remove it for $19.99.

Are Computers Male or Female?

Kausar    Computers     Computers, humor, male computers

Here’s an old joke that’s been floating around the Internet again:

Why computers may be female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Why computers may be male:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.